Healing from the Legacy of Family Wounds
Mothers and fathers with grown kids often ask me how they can repair their relationship with their adult child – usually a child who wants nothing to do with them or is dismissive and disrespectful.
The mother or father is usually mourning the absence of a healthy relationship and usually reports that, when the kids were small, they were not able to be a ‘healthy’ parent because their own traumas were so heavy and drove them to do things they regret in these relationships.
And now, many years later, they’ve done the work on themselves to become healthier and more able to engage in conscious communication with their kids, and they long to heal these fractured relationships. I often suggest that the parent write a letter to their son or daughter and share this personal evolution with them and not do it with expectations that the adult kid is going to come running back to them and include them in their life. But rather as a part of their own intimate inner processing – working through their guilt, self-doubt, anger, etc.
From here on, with their new skills to authentically interact, the mother or father is role-modelling what a healthy relationship looks like. Will they ever get the chance to share that with their kids? It’s a question that can not be answered, depending on the reluctance of the child to re-enter the relationship, because they are hurt and angry.
But pivotal to the process is a parent who is healing from their own emotionally fraught history. From this fresh perspective, they can send their children love, if not physically, then energetically. In this way, a parent can make peace with themselves, regardless of whether their kids are responsive. If a parent can find comfort in this, then they have grown to become the person they were meant to be.
Becca Williams is an emotions therapist and clinician who helps people free themselves from emotional burdens, traumas, and limiting beliefs to live more fulfilling lives.
