We must all be very aware of sponsored ads on social media. A friend sent me this report. Thanks Bob.
I was scrolling through one of my social media accounts one day and noticed a sponsored ad. for chair yoga. It looked interesting. I was still feeling rather bloated after the holiday festivities and chair yoga guaranteed considerable weight loss. So, it seemed to be just my ‘cup o’ tea’. I didn’t scrutinise the details, but I’d heard of yoga, so I thought I’d give it a try – besides, there was no mention of special mats or other accoutrements and it required only a half hour per day. All you needed was a chair and I had one of those.
My spare bedroom was a perfect location. My back window looked out onto a peaceful garden. I bought some scented incense sticks and I found some quiet Indian music for the background. I sat in the chair, positioned my hands in the recommended way; I took deep breaths, I meditated on the sky, the stars, the sea, nature, my wife (I thought better of that after a while and desisted). I ooomed and did more deep breathing. Half an hour flashed by and I felt wonderful, relaxed and peaceful. I did this faithfully for a month and – big shock – I weighed myself and I hadn’t lost an ounce!
I decided to take professional online advice and I soon realised that exerciseswere involved – horror upon horrors. This was certainly not my expectation. Then, there was a section on diet, which also came as a bit of a shock. I had always enjoyed food. My weekly menu consisted of roast beef, lamb cutlets, pork chops, sausages, hamburgers, chicken and turkey. The online advice told me to eat more vegetables and fruit, ‘You Are What You Eat’ it proclaimed. Well, I thought, who wants to be a vegetable, or even a fruit for that matter. Anyway, I took the advice seriously and slashed my weekly regimen – I cut out the chicken and turkey and replaced them with fish ’n chips. Apparently, fish was good for you.
Another month went by. I struggled with the exercises, but I thought I could feel myself improving, strength-wise. I weighed myself and found that I had lost… wait for it – three ounces! I can’t say I was over the moon, but I had read somewhere that ‘every journey begins with small steps’. I did a calculation. My objective was to lose 15 pounds. At this rate, it would take nearly seven years to accomplish my goal, and that was without any backsliding.
It was time to get serious. I had started this chair yoga lark with a goal in mind and I’m not a quitter. I took the exercises more seriously and completely transformed my diet. Now I eat vegetarian five days a week with fish ‘n chips twice a week (guilty admission: I still have the tartare sauce). I bought an air fryer to reduce my fat intake and I’ve almost eliminated sugar. At first, we had a glitch; my wife put her wig in the machine thinking I’d said ‘hairdryer’. I eat carbs in moderation and substitute them with beans, lentils, chickpeas and other high-protein foods. Thus, my flatulence level is way up. My wife is now sleeping in a different room because the combination of snoring and farting (don’t cringe at the word, everybody farts, even the late queen) is unbearable, she says, although I’ve put up with hers for years.
There are times when I make exceptions to my (fairly) strict regimen. If I’m off on an adventure that might be slightly risky, I throw caution to the wind and indulge in extravagances otherwise denied. A friend and rather overweight gourmand once offered sage advice, “Think of all the people on the Titanic who passed up the chocolate mousse.”
N.B. Check back in five years to see if Bob has reached his goal.